Up in flames to be reborn again

Not an update

sammyphoenix — Fri, 05 Aug 2011 01:50:54 +0000

Things in the lab have been going kind of rough for myself and the lady I am working with. Science is not as easy as it seems in movies and tv. A comic did the following lay outs of how non-science people view science and how everything really works. We have hit a few FUUUUUUUUUUUU moments that have made us rage and leave us scratching our heads. I got a good laugh out of it because I really do relate to it at the moment.

Another Mom Rant (was that this blog…?)

sammyphoenix — Wed, 01 Jun 2011 01:52:47 +0000

Okay, a few weeks ago I graduated with my Masters. I somehow got the nerve to invite my mom to it, even though I was a rack of nerves afterward. She came, I almost walked by her I did not even recognize her (seriously she looks like the cougars you see on TV, but I guess she had always looked like that but with more weight and a different air about her). We talked for over an hour, “reconnecting”, tough it was mostly her talking and me listening and spewing stuff out that related so I was part of the conversation. All the while B’s parents and brother and SIL were waiting for us at a restaurant to celebrate my graduation, for an hour. I invited mom twice and B did once. But she was afraid and did not want things to go like they did last time (…my dress fitting I guess, which she started). We said good by several times, but she kept finding new conversations to bring back the conversation. By the time we finally split ways, I was so mad. She had changed very little. She was not as aggressive as she has been in the past, my passive aggressive this time. Still very self-centered and mostly talked about what was going on in her life and only really wanted to know what my plans for work were.

It has been about 2 weeks since that weekend and I received and e-mail from her on Monday. I copy and pasted so I did not have to retype it.

Hi Baby Girl,

Are you coming to your cousin’s wedding weekend after next. I know the family would love to see you guys, and it Will be a great way to get the reconnect ball rolling. I wanted to let you know that I enjoyed our time together at graduation, I just wish it could have been longer. And this was a pipe dream but I really wanted you to say , I see the T’s on a regular basis so I would like to go to lunch with you and catch up. But I guess the time wasn’t right. Sam there is something I would like to talk to you about, but I don’t think the computer is the right method. It concerns your dad and the things he is telling me about your chats with him and I’m not sure if the things he is saying is true or if he is just trying to hurt me. I never seem to catch you on IM when I m on the computer and I really enjoy hearing your voice and emotions. I think our conversation went fairly well except for my babbling that was nervous chatter, things i wanted to tell you but I only spewed our little bits and pieces that most likely came out sounding a little nutty. So I wish you would call, we used to talk all the time on the phone why can’t we try again. I’m in the process of changing cel so that number isn’t good right now. Work number is the same ########## and home is ########## .. I LOVE YOU and hope to hear from you soon.

Okay *breath*…. I do want to go to my cousins wedding, not sure how much she wants me there or not, and I am curious about her situation with her guy (she was the one at my dress fitting who said she was not getting married unless she was knocked up). However, I still get really angry that out of my mom’s 5 siblings only one was able to make it (and they almost didn’t because they had a cold) I just picture most family’s as the types that get the date and then plan things around that. But no, winter is to inconvenient for most and with the holidays they couldn’t travel that much or other people were coming in or they had all these other plans that they could not have moved or planned around since I told them 5 months in advance. No, I should have had it in the summer because everyone is off for vacation time and can plan a week for it. It makes me mad, and I would be mad at the wedding. I don’t want to be mad at the wedding. Weddings are suppose to be happy events and I don’t want to upset that for my cousin.

This is the first time she has directly invited me to any family gathering, I think she may have subtlety invited me to my grandma’s birthday in April, but that one wasn’t really clear and I never got an answer from her if that was what was going on. Why is this event the one to reconnect with the family and getting reconnection started again. Why not any of the holidays the family has gotten together for in the past 4 years!? Why the wedding that I don’t want to ruin?

I am not surprised she enjoyed being able to talk to me at graduation, it was like old times and she could talk and talk without me having much input or just continuing her conversation even if I did put input. I knew she wanted me to drop my plans with B’s family and go sit with her at the restaurant of her choice. But I refused to do it, I had planned it since before I invited her. B’s family has done so much for me, my graduation was a celebration for them as well as me. Unlike my own family they asked about my schooling on a regular basis and knew the trials I went through. B’s mom even paid out of pocket for my last semester of art classes what my tuition wavier did not cover. I don’t think my mom would have done that. I owe a lot to my mother-in-law and just because my graduating was a “worthy” endeavor to my mother, that she should grace us with her presence, I was not going to drop the plans with the family that unconditionally loves me and the things I do.

*Sigh* the IMs with dad…I can’t think of anything that I have told him that I have not tried to express to her already. That she ruled my life and forced herself in as my BFF. That I did not have a normal teenage life with friends and fun experiences with them. No, we always had “plans” that would not allow me to go do those things. She is the one who talked down my art abilities and made me think I could never get a job in it, that science would be much better, I could cure cancer etc. But having the chance to take my art classes showed me I really did have some talent in it and I probably could have done some good things their. With my Masters in science I have been unemployed for a month and I don’t know when I will get an interview for a science job. I have hopes though, some include cancer research which make me want to rub it in her face more that she has had absolutely no part in being in my life and my schooling and the great things I may accomplish has absolutely no rewards for her. That house on the beach that I was to buy her to retire in when she was old is never going to happen, she can go ask one of her boyfriends kids for that when they get more schooling. She makes me so mad! She had so much control over my life, she even still has a nagging voice in the back of my head controlling me, I just want her to go away, especially since it is clear that she will not change her ways, she is the same that she always has been. And that’s what I have talked to dad about on IMs.

Of course she wants me to call her. She can talk over me and and immediately dismiss my feelings that I have portrayed here. That whole like hearing my voice and emotion stuff is just a load of shit. She spews these lovely words but they hold no meaning. It is all about her, and that is how it has always been, and even from this e-mail it is clear that that is how it is always going to be. I’m so mad now, even with my ranting. Maybe I should just call, but then I will just get anxious being on the phone, damn phone anxiety. I also think that I could resay everything that was typed here to her and she will say it has all been a misunderstanding, I remember stuff wrong, that’s not how things were, I am being overly emotional. It is all crap and I know it. Why can’t I tell her these things and just be done with it, never try it again. I am tired of trying and being told that she is taking the first steps in rebuilding our relationship. Sick and tired of it all.

*sigh* I need to knit socks.

Sorting quiz

sammyphoenix — Mon, 30 May 2011 18:28:06 +0000

The sorting hat says that I belong in Ravenclaw!

Said Ravenclaw, “We’ll teach those whose intelligence is surest.”

Ravenclaw students tend to be clever, witty, intelligent, and knowledgeable.
Notable residents include Cho Chang and Padma Patil (objects of Harry and Ron’s affections), and Luna Lovegood (daughter of The Quibbler magazine’s editor).
Take the most scientific Harry Potter Quizever created.

Get Sorted Now!

That was fun. Ravenclaw was my highest score of 70, then Hufflepuff with 62, Gryffindor with 57, an Slytherin with 52.

Everyone is doing it

sammyphoenix — Fri, 19 Nov 2010 04:35:10 +0000

Well not everyone, one of my friends is. Chronicle books is having a contest to basically win your wish list. So here is my list of books from them that I think would be cool to have. Also, if you have interest in my list you can comment and if I win you may win too!

		Cat Companion Journal
			Crêpes
			Get Your Sparkle On
			Ichthyo
			Let’s Cook Japanese Food!
			Life’s Too Short to Fold Fitted Sheets
			Listen to Her Voice
			Mastering the Art of Beading
			One Sketch a Day
			Paper Cutting
			Pattern Magic
			Pocket Moleskine Sketchbook
			Quick & Easy Chinese
			Quick & Easy Korean Cooking
			Saveur Cooks Authentic Italian
			Sublime Stitching
			Super Smoothies
			Treetops Journal
			Why Did I Buy This Book?
			Yum-Yum Bento Box

Crafts and Cats

sammyphoenix — Mon, 18 Oct 2010 18:54:06 +0000

Ah, my two favorite things (well, other than my DH). I have been busy with both recently.

First, I have finished somethings, are half way finished with things, and starting some new things, in my craft world.

As most in my area have discovered, the weather is starting to be bipolar. Random warm, random cold, some days are right in the middle. Because of this I have decided to make a pair (maybe two down the road) of fingerless mitts. I have not had a real moment to use them yet, but playing around in them I have discovered they are very warm, so I can’t wait for a day to really wear them.

As always, I have to have a sock going (okay, I have multiple socks going, but this is a new one!) This one is inspired by Professor McGonagall, the Deputy Headmistress of Hogwarts. I even made it in red to show of her house. I only have one so far, and I am sad to say that second sock syndrome has kicked in. However, I have not yet cast-on another pair of socks, and hopefully I won’t until I finish these.

I may not be starting a new pair of socks, but I have started a new project. I was inspired a bit when a friend came to town and had finished a lovely lace shawl. I have always been intimidated by lace, yet I spin and purchase lace yarn quite often. So I finally got the nerve to cast on a real lace project. It looks great in my handspun that I have been dying to use for quite a while. I am so worried that I am going to mess up on it that I move my life line after every repeat of 6 rows. I really want to finish this one because it is so pretty!

And now, CATS! I have had my cats for about 4 months now. I’ve taken very few photos of them because they want so much petz that when they do cute things they quickly move out of it and to me to be pet. I have gotten a few though by force and some are just not that great, but I have them. I have also had to put them out recently and that has had me going kind of crazy too.

Personality Test

sammyphoenix — Sat, 16 Oct 2010 23:48:28 +0000

My Personality


Neuroticism	43
Extraversion	21
Openness to Experience	24
Agreeableness	50
Conscientiousness	29

You rarely get angry and it takes a lot to make you angry, however you are sensitive about what others think of you. Your concern about rejection and ridicule cause you to feel shy and uncomfortable around others. You are easily embarrassed and often feel ashamed. Your fears that others will criticize or make fun of you are exaggerated and unrealistic, but your awkwardness and discomfort may make these fears a self-fulfilling prophecy. You tend not to talk much and prefer to let others control the activities of groups. You prefer familiar routines and for things to stay the same. You can tend to feel uncomfortable with change. You do not enjoy confrontation, but you will stand up for yourself or push your point if you feel it is important, however you are not affected strongly by human suffering, priding yourself on making objective judgments based on reason. You are more concerned with truth and impartial justice than with mercy. Your sense of duty and obligation is average and although you are mostly responsible you can sometimes be unreliable.

Free Poll

Whooga

sammyphoenix — Thu, 26 Aug 2010 19:47:46 +0000

So bad with this thing! I have been wanting to do a real post for a while and sadly just never made time for it. Even now, I doubt this will be the post that I need to be making. I think I am going to start with recent thoughts and move towards the past (at least until my class starts).

I have been trying really hard to find a path for my future. I have looked into internships and jobs and even staying in school for a longer amount of time. Internships seem to talk just as long as a job to get a resume seen. So I have put those on the back burner until I figure out if I want to keep with school or find a job. I have been doing some serious job searches too. Most of them I feel either over or under qualified for. There have been a few that I wanted to apply for, but I know that I will need help making my resume and attempting to ‘sell’ myself. I have also debated about looking into other classes here on campus to see if any more offered areas that would help me get some good field experience or some form of footing for possible jobs.

With that thought, classes started this past Monday. I think I have an interesting semester laid out before me. I have a seminar class, which will help me get the first chapter of my thesis written, and (looking at the syllabus) maybe give some help in finding a job and preparing for it. I have a GIS and Database class, that has not really taken place yet because the first day was intro/syllabus stuff and today class was cancelled… Hopefully, that class will give me some visual data for my thesis project (yay getting stuff for my thesis!) Finally, is Ichthyology. The study of fish. I don’t know how I got suckered into fish classes but I am actually excited for it. I learn all the systems of a fish, habitat, and so on. And on Thursday we get to go out into the field and collect the suckers by electofishing! Yes! Sending electricity into the water to paralyze them and catch them for studies! When it gets colder we will retreat to the lab to identify the ones we caught. How cool is that?

Time for class now. Hopefully I will make the craft blog that I have been wanting to do for a long while.

Time to read?

sammyphoenix — Tue, 10 Aug 2010 19:27:15 +0000

I would really like to get a library card at our local library. I have a desire to read something. However, even though I have this “desire” I never make time to read any books, even the ones I have and kind of want to read. How do people make time to read? Maybe I just clog my day with other activities I would rather do and it is a priority problem.

Other than not making time to read, I don’t know what to read! How do you find new books? Do you just go to the library and mull around until something strikes your fancy? I have tired book sites, but really they just add to my confusion of what I may or may not want to read.

Slow day

sammyphoenix — Tue, 03 Aug 2010 19:00:27 +0000

Once again I have failed at keeping a steady update with this blog. Blah, I am not good at this stuff, but it is fun to come back now and again. Today is the slowest freakin’ day in the history of time. It probably has to do with the fact that I lack the motivation to work, therefore, I am not really doing much of anything and time crawls by. It has led me to post this blog so I guess that is a good thing.

Let’s see, things to write about…

My mom is still trying to get back in my life. We have been doing the e-mail thing and I finally just mentioned that I did not think the e-mails were not getting my point across (it never happened on the phone either because she would talk over me or around me). So now she wants once a week or so updates. I am going to give that a shot, see how long it takes before I am not updating as often as she would like. Really, why does my mom need to know what is going on every week of my life. She needed to know when I started college, but it gets old when I am talking to her and I just square my shoulders and say “I went to class. That’s about it” I don’t really ever feel that what happens in my life needs to be told to other people. That and half the time I feel people don’t really care about the things I do want to talk about. So, I just don’t share. I think the only person who can get me to open up about anything is Brady, then you can’t get either one of us to shut up. Anyways, back to mom, I am just curious how long she will keep up the niceties before she blows again. Though, honestly, I think this will be the last time. We have tried this a couple of times already and they have not gone well. I’m thinking of the baseball metaphor “three strikes and you are out”. I can only take so much rollercoaster emotions in my life from people. I do not want it a constant part of my life from one person.

Oh, oh! I have started a sweater XD It is the cable luxe tunic. I am having so much fun with it even though it is slow progress. I am making a few changes to make the construction, hopefully, simpler in the long run. I am slipping the first and last stitch of the wrong side of the yoke, that way I can pick up stitches easier. I plan on doing this again for the back panel. There was a fun article in the recent issue of Interweave Knits that showed you how to join pieces together while you knit the next piece. I am using it on a blanket that I have had in the works for ever and had wished there was some way to do such a thing for it. It is looking okay and makes it more interesting to work on. I think it will help with the sweater by keeping it interesting and helping me to avoid the whole seeming thing, which by the way I hate doing. XP But I am so excited! It is pink and going to be so loverly!

Later this afternoon I am going to go to see the photographer who took my wedding photos. I have had such a hard time getting a hold of this guy. I kept calling after Brady and I had our portraits done together, but either A.) no one answered the phone. B.) a lady answered and told me to call back at 9 the next morning when someone would be there and A. happened. Somehow, my MIL got their attention quickly and we are going to get my album made finally. And I get to see the couples shots of Brady and me! Again more excitement! Really I just feel jittery and hyper and ready to bounce off the walls or something, it is still not helping the day to go faster though.

Drama In My Head

sammyphoenix — Tue, 16 Mar 2010 18:58:30 +0000

It has been awhile since I have posted. I’ve been having some drama in my head recently.

I have not written about it in this blog, but since I have abandoned my other blog I guess I need to start writing it here again. I have mom baggage. I have not spoken to since two weeks before my wedding, which was two years and three months ago. The last letter contact I had with her was in May after my graduation from college. See, I did not invite her to my graduation. It was a mix of knowing that she was still having back pain and emotional hurt of her not coming to my wedding. Trying not to be evil, but if she still had to have medication to get through her day as she did when I got married and she didn’t want to make the trip to where I am, why should she make that same trip to see me graduate. So not inviting her triggered a letter of 12 questions she wanted answers to. Then she would leave me alone and not have to have unanswered questions, blah blah blah. I answered those questions in a 5 page essay back. I was honest and probably a bit hurtful, though I tried not to be. Did not hear from her after that, at least not until Christmas six months later. Her gifts were nice and she included a card that said “I miss you and hopefully next year can be the one we can be together.”(she underlined the word one, not sure why)

Anyways, it had been six months, and I had moved on with my life without her in it. Now my birthday is coming up soon and I am afraid she is going to send more gifts. I can’t ignore it other wise I will probably hear a “after all the things I gave you, you are not giving me the time of day or a visit” or something of that sort, just kind of rambltyping now. I have been trying to figure out a somewhat nice way to writer her a letter saying that I don’t want her around in my life anymore, just leave me alone plz. But I can’t seem to find a good way to say that. I also feel a bit guilty because I am not really giving her a chance to be apart of my life. I had a breakdown Sunday night though, thinking about all this and talking it over with my husband. Before I got married I tried really really hard to make things go smoothly for her. Took her opinions to heart and tried to work things out. Problem is that nothing was right and I was not supposed to try to fix the things she saw wrong. No matter what I did I could not make her happy. There was nothing I could do. I still feel that it would be the same if I did give her a chance and I would be back to being hurt and frustrated like I am now. That’s the worse part! I have not even had physical contact with her since before the wedding and she still gets to me like this! I worry about what she and others of the family think of me. I am afraid of hurting her feelings and looking like the bad daughter. I have always tried so hard to be the good daughter and it lost me a lot of things in my life. I did not let it make me miss out on a great husband though, I am happy for the choice I made. Now I want to remove her from the picture totally because I am such a better person without her around or even making an appearance in my head. But How do I tell her that. I can’t ignore it. But I don’t know how to do it. What do I say?