Archive for March, 2010

Drama In My Head

Posted in Uncategorized on March 16, 2010 by DecepticonKnits

It has been awhile since I have posted.  I’ve been having some drama in my head recently. 

I have not written about it in this blog, but since I have abandoned my other blog I guess I need to start writing it here again.  I have mom baggage.  I have not spoken to since two weeks before my wedding, which was two years and three months ago.  The last letter contact I had with her was in May after my graduation from college.  See, I did not invite her to my graduation.  It was a mix of knowing that she was still having back pain and emotional hurt of her not coming to my wedding.  Trying not to be evil, but if she still had to have medication to get through her day as she did when I got married and she didn’t want to make the trip to where I am, why should she make that same trip to see me graduate.  So not inviting her triggered a letter of 12 questions she wanted answers to. Then she would leave me alone and not have to have unanswered questions, blah blah blah.  I answered those questions in a 5 page essay back.  I was honest and probably a bit hurtful, though I tried not to be.  Did not hear from her after that, at least not until Christmas six months later.  Her gifts were nice and she included a card that said “I miss you and hopefully next year can be the one we can be together.”(she underlined the word one, not sure why)

Anyways, it had been six months, and I had moved on with my life without her in it.  Now my birthday is coming up soon and I am afraid she is going to send more gifts.  I can’t ignore it other wise I will probably hear a “after all the things I gave you, you are not giving me the time of day or a visit”  or something of that sort, just kind of rambltyping now.  I have been trying to figure out a somewhat nice way to writer her a letter saying that I don’t want her around in my life anymore, just leave me alone plz.  But I can’t seem to find a good way to say that.  I also feel a bit guilty because I am not really giving her a chance to be apart of my life.  I had a breakdown Sunday night though, thinking about all this and talking it over with my husband.  Before I got married I tried really really hard to make things go smoothly for her.  Took her opinions to heart and tried to work things out.  Problem is that nothing was right and I was not supposed to try to fix the things she saw wrong.  No matter what I did I could not make her happy.  There was nothing I could do.  I still feel that it would be the same if I did give her a chance and I would be back to being hurt and frustrated like I am now.  That’s the worse part!  I have not even had physical contact with her since before the wedding and she still gets to me like this!  I worry about what she and others of the family think of me.  I am afraid of hurting her feelings and looking like the bad daughter.  I have always tried so hard to be the good daughter and it lost me a lot of things in my life.  I did not let it make me miss out on a great husband though, I am happy for the choice I made.  Now I want to remove her from the picture totally because I am such a better person without her around or even making an appearance in my head.  But How do I tell her that.  I can’t ignore it.  But I don’t know how to do it. What do I say?