Another Mom Rant (was that this blog…?)

Okay, a few weeks ago I graduated with my Masters.  I somehow got the nerve to invite my mom to it, even though I was a rack of nerves afterward.  She came, I almost walked by her I did not even recognize her (seriously she looks like the cougars you see on TV, but I guess she had always looked like that but with more weight and a different air about her).  We talked for over an hour, “reconnecting”,  tough it was mostly her talking and me listening and spewing stuff out that related so I was part of the conversation.  All the while B’s parents and brother and SIL were waiting for us at a restaurant to celebrate my graduation, for an hour.  I invited mom twice and B did once.  But she was afraid and did not want things to go like they did last time (…my dress fitting I guess, which she started).  We said good by several times, but she kept finding new conversations to bring back the conversation.  By the time we finally split ways, I was so mad.  She had changed very little.  She was not as aggressive as she has been in the past, my passive aggressive this time.  Still very self-centered and mostly talked about what was going on in her life and only really wanted to know what my plans for work were.
It has been about 2 weeks since that weekend and I received and e-mail from her on Monday. I copy and pasted so I did not have to retype it.
Hi Baby Girl,
Are you coming to your cousin’s wedding weekend after next.  I know the family would love to see you guys, and it Will be a great way to get the reconnect ball rolling.  I wanted to let you know that I enjoyed our time together at graduation, I just wish it could have been longer. And this was a pipe dream but I really wanted you to say , I see the T’s on a regular  basis so I would like to go to lunch with you and catch up. But I guess the time wasn’t right. Sam there is something I would like to talk to you about, but I don’t think the computer is the right method.  It  concerns your dad and the things he is telling me about your chats with him and I’m not sure if the things he is saying is true or if he is just trying to hurt me. I never seem to catch you on IM when I m on the computer and I  really enjoy hearing your voice and emotions. I think our conversation went fairly well except for my babbling that was nervous chatter, things i wanted to tell you but I only spewed our little bits and pieces that most likely came out sounding a little nutty. So I wish you would call, we used to talk all the time on the phone why can’t we try again. I’m in the process of changing cel so that number isn’t good right now. Work number is the same  ########## and home is ########## ..  I LOVE YOU and hope to hear from you soon.
Okay *breath*…. I do want to go to my cousins wedding, not sure how much she wants me there or not, and I am curious about her situation with her guy (she was the one at my dress fitting who said she was not getting married unless she was knocked up).  However, I still get really angry that out of my mom’s 5 siblings only one was able to make it (and they almost didn’t because they had a cold)  I just picture most family’s as the types that get the date and then plan things around that.  But no, winter is to inconvenient for most and with the holidays they couldn’t travel that much or other people were coming in or they had all these other plans that they could not have moved or planned around since I told them 5 months in advance. No, I should have had it in the summer because everyone is off for vacation time and can plan a week for it.  It makes me mad, and I would be mad at the wedding.  I don’t want to be mad at the wedding.  Weddings are suppose to be happy events and I don’t want to upset that for my cousin.
This is the first time she has directly invited me to any family gathering, I think she may have subtlety invited me to my grandma’s birthday in April, but that one wasn’t really clear and I never got an answer from her if that was what was going on. Why is this event the one to reconnect with the family and getting reconnection started again.  Why not any of the holidays the family has gotten together for in the past 4 years!?  Why the wedding that I don’t want to ruin?
I am not surprised she enjoyed being able to talk to me at graduation, it was like old times and she could talk and talk without me having much input or just continuing her conversation even if I did put input.  I knew she wanted me to drop my plans with B’s family and go sit with her at the restaurant of her choice.  But I refused to do it, I had planned it since before I invited her.  B’s family has done so much for me, my graduation was a celebration for them as well as me.  Unlike my own family they asked about my schooling on a regular basis and knew the trials I went through.  B’s mom even paid out of pocket for my last semester of art classes what my tuition wavier did not cover.  I don’t think my mom would have done that.  I owe a lot to my mother-in-law and just because my graduating was a “worthy” endeavor to my mother, that she should grace us with her presence, I was not going to drop the plans with the family that unconditionally loves me and the things I do.
*Sigh* the IMs with dad…I can’t think of anything that I have told him that I have not tried to express to her already.  That she ruled my life and forced herself in as my BFF.  That I did not have a normal teenage life with friends and fun experiences with them.  No, we always had “plans” that would not allow me to go do those things.  She is the one who talked down my art abilities and made me think I could never get a job in it, that science would be much better, I could cure cancer etc.  But having the chance to take my art classes showed me I really did have some talent in it and I probably could have done some good things their.  With my Masters in science I have been unemployed for a month and I don’t know when I will get an interview for a science job.  I have hopes though, some include cancer research which make me want to rub it in her face more that she has had absolutely no part in being in my life and my schooling and the great things I may accomplish has absolutely no rewards for her.  That house on the beach that I was to buy her to retire in when she was old is never going to happen, she can go ask one of her boyfriends kids for that when they get more schooling.  She makes me so mad!  She had so much control over my life, she even still has a nagging voice in the back of my head controlling me, I just want her to go away, especially since it is clear that she will not change her ways, she is the same that she always has been.  And that’s what I have talked to dad about on IMs.
Of course she wants me to call her.  She can talk over me and and immediately dismiss my feelings that I have portrayed here.  That whole like hearing my voice and emotion stuff is just a load of shit.  She spews these lovely words but they hold no meaning.  It is all about her, and that is how it has always been, and even from this e-mail it is clear that that is how it is always going to be.  I’m so mad now, even with my ranting.  Maybe I should just call, but then I will just get anxious being on the phone, damn phone anxiety.  I also think that I could resay everything that was typed here to her and she will say it has all been a misunderstanding, I remember stuff wrong, that’s not how things were, I am being overly emotional.    It is all crap and I know it.  Why can’t I tell her these things and just be done with it, never try it again.  I am tired of trying and being told that she is taking the first steps in rebuilding our relationship.  Sick and tired of it all.
*sigh*  I need to knit socks.
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